Reimu Hakurei Coast to Coast - Jerk

This is a fanfiction.

Reimu: [sitting at desk, reading a speech] ... but most of all, I'd like to take a moment to thank the one person who's made all of this possible... [close up] me, Reimu Hakurei! Thank you, me!
Mima: Ten seconds, Reimu.
Reimu: Okay, everyone, on your toes, let's be really great tonight. I can see it now... first, the Cable Ace awards. Then the Emmy, Tony, Oscar, Shecky, Lulu, Dean Martin roast, Secret Squares, Star Search, spokesmodel...
Flandre: Hey!
Reimu: Aaugh!
Flandre: All hail Flandre!
Reimu: No!
Flandre: Let Flandre do the intro! Live from Gensokyo, it's Flandre!
Reimu: No!
Flandre: Let Flandre sing the theme!
Reimu: No, no, no, no!
Flandre: La la la la la la la la la!
Mima: You're on!
[Opening theme & titles; Flandre sings along]
Reimu: [Teleports onto set] Who let that little creep on? Didn't anyone listen to what I said? Didn't I just get through telling you, I want this show to be as smooth as a baby's...
Seija: Reimu!
Reimu: What?
Mima: Like, we're on the air, man!
Reimu: Er, uh, what? But, but I'm not ready! That, that little creep threw me off! Quick, start over!
Mima: What?
Seija: You jerk, Reimu, we're live! You can't start over!
Reimu: Er, er, um, uh, well then, uh, everyone close your eyes!
Seija: What?
Reimu: Close them!
Seija: Oy gevalt! (closes eyes)
Reimu: [to camera] You too, home citizens! [screen goes black, sound of drums, glass breaking, chicken squawking] Ow!
Seija: Reimu!
Reimu: Okay now, open them!
Seija: [eyes still closed] Aaagh! Ayee! My eyelids are encrusted shut! Help me! Help meeeee!
Reimu: [in low voice] Ten seconds and already this one's in the toilet. [normal voice] Oh, er, um, Greetings! I'm Ray Moo! [laughs] Woopsie daisy! As you can see, things are a little bit zany tonight, a little wacky, a little kooky [ripping sound]
Seija: Wacky?
Mima: Kooky?
Reimu: And that's because tonight's show's a real doozy! My guests are sassy comedic chanteuse, Sandra Bernhard, and... wait a second... Mima, is this right? A mere hardware store owner, on tonight's award-winnable doozy?
Mima: His name is Palmer Mills... nice guy.
Reimu: An average citizen? On my doozy? Mima, what gives?
Mima: Eh, we got him dirt cheap.
Reimu: [sighs] Uh, well, besides that star-studded line-up, we've added oodles of exciting new features to our show.
Seija: What a load of...
Reimu: What's that, Seija? What are these loads of excitement? Well, for starters, we have a live studio audience here in the studio! Completely live! [applause] We'll also be taking your live calls and questions, here at the Hakurei Shrine, live! [phone rings] Not now!
[Subtitles: do not call in... this is a cartoon joke show. what are you, stupid?]
Reimu: And finally, we'll have a human sacrifice! (does double take) What?
Seija: (evil laugh) Live!
Reimu: Not happening, funny girl.
Seija: Rats!
Audience: [boos]
Reimu: Before we start tonight's incredible show, let's say hello to our live studio audience. [shows audience full of amanojaku] Baba ghanoush, it's the lone audience of the apocalypse! Seija, do you know these people?
Seija: Nein! Nein! What are you inferring, Reimu?
Amanojaku #1: (in Southern accent) Sei-ja! Sei-ja! Ovah heah!
Amanojaku #2: Hi, Sei-ja!!
Seija: Oh, uh, hi, Uncle Kijin, Aunt Kijin. Uh, sorry about Sukuna.
Amanojaku #2: That's okay, we was gonna eat her up anaway.
Audience: [laughter]
Reimu: I don't find that funny.
Seija: Don't be such a jerk, Reimu.
Reimu: That's the second time you called me a jerk tonight!
Seija: Oh, my, Rei-Jerk can count!
Audience: [laughter]
Reimu: Don't call me a jerk, Seija! You... you... you jerk!
Seija: I'm not a jerk! You're the jerk!
Reimu: No, you are!
Seija: You are!
Reimu: You are!
Seija: You are!
Reimu: Jerk!
Seija: Jerk!
Reimu: Jerk!
Seija: Jerk! [they both repeat "Jerk!" faster and faster]
Reimu: Enough... We've wasted too much award-winning time! Mima, first guest! Get Sandra on!
Mima: Yeah, whatever. Jerk!
Reimu: My first guest is that wild and crazy girl of the minute, star of her own multi-something extravaganza, Sandra Bernhard!
Audience: [applause]
Mima: Sorry, man, she, she's not ready.
Reimu: Oh, this is great! Just dandy! Now I'll have to talk to that ordinary guest guy!
Salesman: [appears on monitor] For your free copy...
Reimu: [monitor changes again, shows Palmer Mills] Who's that?
Mima: It's your guest.
Reimu: Oh, terrific! Whoopee! Welcome to the show, plain old average garden variety non-celebrity citizen whoever.
Palmer Mills: Glad to be with you today.
Reimu: Yeah, I bet you are, Joe Plainfolks. (condescending) So, you own a hardware store! How nice! Any interesting stories to tell?
Palmer Mills: I thought you'd ask that...
Reimu: Nope, didn't think so. You know, I could bench press you from now 'til doomsday. What do you think of that, average citizen?
Palmer Mills: [stunned silence] Well...
Reimu: Think it'll rain today? How about those Dallas Cowboys? Boxers or briefs?
Palmer Mills: Well, that's a rather pointed question...
Reimu: Well, isn't that what you average citizens talk about, hmmmm, huh, hmmmm? Answer me!
Seija: Reimu! He's a guest!
Reimu: Some guest he is! Look at him, he's mundaning up my whole show! How can I win any awards with material like this? This show needs oomph, pizzazz, joy d'vivre! Mima! Is Sandra ready yet?!
Mima: Well, um... no.
Reimu: Plan B! Take some calls! [phone rings, she answers] Welcome to my show, caller, what would you like to talk to me about?
Caller 1: Actually, I wanted to ask Mr. Mills what he thinks of Tim Allen.
Palmer Mills: Tim Allen... let's see, he doesn't, he doesn't have a store in our, our town.
Audience: [laughter]
Mima: [laughs]
Seija: [laughs]
Reimu: Hey! I do the jokes here! Next caller! Hello? You're on the air with Reimu Hakurei!
Caller 2: [actually Wriggle] Hello? Hello?
'Reimu: [recognizing that it's Wriggle] Okay, I see how it is.
Caller 2: Uh, hello, Mr. Mills? What would you suggest using for eradicating amanojaku?
Seija: What? Is that you, Wriggle?
Palmer Mills: Sevin dust. Malathion. Either one of those would be great for it.
Reimu: Hmmm! Sevin dust in metal can. I'll have to remember that. Hey, you know something, Joe? That reminds me, maybe I should come to your store. I need to replace my... Orgone... Zargon... Zargonite...
Seija: [laughs]
Palmer Mills: Zorgonute Branch.
Reimu: I know how to say it, earthling! I am a talk show host, y'know. I know how to say things! I can say lots of things! Tuna fish! Parentheses! Coochie-coochie girl Charo! Zingnut Ranch!
Palmer Mills: Zorgonute Branch.
Reimu: That cuts it, Hardware Boy! No skinny pink boy's gonna tell me how to say things on my show! Mima! Get him off!
Audience: [boos]
Seija: Sheesh! What a jerk!
Reimu: Everyone be quiet or I'll clear the room! Mima! Sandra Bernhard, now!
Mima: She went out for... knishes.
Reimu: [pause] Okay, okay, I think we should take a break. Now, let's go to break.
Flandre: [appears on monitor] Hail, Flandre!
Mima: Hail, Flandre!
Audience: Hail, Flandre!
Reimu: Not you, Flandre, break! Break!
Audience: Hail Flandre! Hail Flandre! Hail Flandre! ...
Reimu: [sighs] I'm an unhappy shrine maiden...
[Break.]
Mima: [in control room] Sorry about RH, man, she's, she's bein' a real jerk today.
Palmer Mills: I was a little bit blundersome on some of them, wasn't I?
Mima: Oh, no, no, you were great, you were great. Are we still on for going fishin'? Is this weekend good for you?
Palmer Mills: Any time, any time.
Audience: [applause]
Reimu: Seija! I'm warning you!
Seija: [makes raspberry sound]
Mima: Mu-ray, Kurei-hah.
Reimu: Oh, hi! Heh heh, we're back to the show, where any day now my guest will be the lovely Sandra Bernhard. In the meantime, let's take some more calls, from you, the viewers. Hello, you're on the air.
Caller 3: Hello, can I, can I speak to Mr. Mills?
Reimu: Sorry, he's off the show. Next!
Caller 4: Uh, yes, I have a question for Miss Bernhard.
Reimu: Sorry, she's not in yet. Do you have a question or comment for me?
Caller 4: [hangs up, off-hook busy signal]
Reimu: [sullen] Doesn't anyone want to speak to me? I'm the host... [angry] Next caller!
Caller 5: [sexy male voice (actually Steven Blum's voice)] Hello, Seija?
Seija: Yes?
Caller 5: Play "Misty" for me.
Seija: Aaaagghhhh!
Reimu: Next caller!
Caller 6: Is your refrigerator running?
Reimu: What a stupid question! Of course it is!
Caller 6: Better go catch it!
Audience: [laughter]
Mima: [laughs]
Seija: [laughs]
Reimu: I don't get it. What's so darn funny?
Seija: What a jerk!
Reimu: Hello!
Caller 7: Paging Reimu Hakurei!
Reimu: You! Haven't I told you never to call me here? Mima! Hang up!
Mima: [throws switch]
Reimu: Next caller.
Caller 8: [actually Sunny Milk and Star Sapphire] [off-hook busy signal] Jerk!
Reimu: Next call!
Caller 9: Hello? Ms. Reimu Hakurei?
Reimu: Heh! It's for me! Yes, citizen?
Caller 9: Ms. Hakurei, I'm calling about your long distance service.
Reimu: Ack! Not interested!
Caller 9: If I could just have a moment of your time...
Reimu: Blow off, wage slave.
Caller 9: [shocked] Jerk! [slams receiver]
Seija: Why are you such a jerk tonight, Reimu? Is it the loneliness?
Reimu: Well...
Audience: [laughter]
Reimu: Hey! I'm not lonely! And I'm not a jerk!
Seija: Yes, yes! You're the loneliest jerkiest jerk! You're Queen Jerk!
Reimu: Seija!
Audience: [laughter throughout]
Seija: Lady Jerk! Empress Jerk! Pope of the Jerks!!
Reimu: Seija!
Seija: Jerk-meisterin, jerk-arina, jerk-enstein, jerk-o, beef-jerky, jerky beefaghetti girl, jerk-a-mundo!
Reimu: Seija, I am rubber, Seija, and you are glue!
Seija: Only the Grand Queen Jerk would say that!
Reimu: [phone rings] Mima! The phone!
Mima: [laughs]
Reimu: Mima!
Mima: [still laughing] What?
Reimu: The phone!
Mima: Oh, yeah, can you get that?
Reimu: Oh, okay [answers the phone] Hello? [no response] Hello!
Meimu: Hello, Reimu!
Reimu: That, that voice!
Meimu: Do you know who this is, Reimy-kins?
Reimu: Good Lord! I know that voice! But it can't be! You're...
Meimu: In the asylum? Oh no, Reimy girl, not anymore! I escaped last night!
Reimu: Eh, uh, now look, Meimu...
Seija: Meimu? Who's Meimu?
Reimu: Ohhh, just evil, pure and simple, that's all. Let's not discuss it.
Seija: Evil Meimu?
Reimu: No, she's my... [dramatic sting music] evil twin!
Seija: Evil twin?
Reimu: Yes, my evil twin! Meimu Hakurei! Doesn't everyone have an evil twin?
Mima: No.
Seija: Not me, sister.
Palmer Mills: No, no, no.
Reimu: [pause] Ah, we walk alike, we talk alike...
Seija: What a crazy pair!
Reimu: Then, one day, a hot dog made her lose control.
Meimu: [still on phone] Reimu, do you remember when we were young, how I would make you cry. The ropes, Reimu, remember the ropes? How I'd twist them and twist them, and keep twisting them until...
Reimu: [nervous laughter] Can't talk now, Meimu, got a talk show to do, you know. [teleports out]
Meimu: Wait for me, Reimu, wait for me, I'll be right over! [evil laugh] [hangs up, off-hook busy signal]
Seija: [long pause while everyone looks in shock at the empty studio] Uh, Reimu.
Reimu: [still not on stage] Uh, yeah?
Seija: Is your evil twin a jerk too?
Audience: [laughter]
Reimu: [teleports back in] I've had it with you, Ms. Funny Amanojaku! You don't want me to win any awards, do you, Ms. Funny Amanojaku?
Seija: "Ms. Funny Amanojaku"?
Audience: [in unison] "Ms. Funny Amanojaku"?
Sandra Bernhard: [now on screen] [laughs] [exchanges stares with Seija]
Reimu: Sandra, can't you see I'm in the middle of something?
Sandra Bernhard: [stares at Seija]
Reimu: [pause] Sandra! Mima, why didn't you tell me she was ready? Uh, hello, citizen Sandra! It's about time. I mean, welcome to the show!
Audience: [applause]
Sandra Bernhard: Wow!
Seija: Hey Sandra, what do you call Reimu drinking a root beer?
Sandra Bernhard: Um...
Seija: A soda jerk!
Audience: [laughter]
Reimu: Hey! I want a big laugh like Seija! Mima, get me a big laugh!
Mima: [throws switch, a really feeble single voice laugh comes out]
Reimu: That's a big laugh? Eh, heh, uh, Sandra, tell me about your abilities.
Sandra Bernhard: My abilities?
Reimu: Yes, yes, your abilities!
Sandra Bernhard: I can psychically read every thought inside of your mind right now, if you have any... wait, I have to take a moment to see if you're actually thinking.
Reimu: [closes her eyes and thinks] Need food, I'd love some tacos, mmmmm, chicken tacos! Refried beans!
Sandra Bernhard: Love some tacos, chicken tacos, refried beans... And a chimichanga!
Reimu: Aaaaah! She's scanning me!
Sandra Bernhard: [laughs]
Reimu: Sandra, stop that! Get out of my mind! You're freaking me out!
Sandra Bernhard: I'm the kind of girl you don't bring home to mother. Understand?
Seija: She's alright!
Mima: She is alright!
Seija: That girl's al-l-l-right! She's real, people!
Reimu: Ehhhh, yeah.
Sandra Bernhard: That's one of my abilities.
Reimu: Ahem! Let's take a call for Sandra. Hi, you're on the air!
Caller 10: [heavy breathing] Sandra, can you tell what I'm thinking?
Sandra Bernhard: Oh, I know what you're thinking, I can't talk about it on the Internet.
Reimu: Let's have some serious calls, please! Next caller! Hello?
Caller 11: [actually Flandre] Do you have Prince Albert in a can?
Sandra Bernhard: [laughs]
Reimu: Don't encourage them, Sandra! Next caller! We're speaking with Sandra Bernhard!
Caller 12: Um, yeah, what's, uh, what's on after this? I, I lost my TV Guide.
Reimu: Next caller!
Caller 13: [male voice] Yeah, can I see your muscles?
Reimu: Why, of course! Admire my wonderful...
Caller 13: Not yours, hers, you jerk!
Reimu: Oh.
Sandra Bernhard: [rolls up sleeve] Okay, well, I'm not going to show you all of them, but I will show you this one. [flexes bicep] Not bad, huh?
Reimu: [sarcastically] Yeah, great, Sandra. Next!
Seija: Jerk!
Caller 14: Ms. Reimu Hakurei? This is Herb Mosh of the IRS...
Reimu: Mima! Next call!
Caller 14: Hello? [feedback increases]
Reimu: Caller, turn down your set!
Caller 14: Hello-o-o?
Reimu: What's wrong with you people? Next caller, now!
Caller 15: The tingler, the tingler is loose in the theatre, scream, scream for your lives!
Seija: [screams]
Mima: [screams]
Audience: [all scream]
Reimu: [screams]
Sandra Bernhard: Wow!
Reimu: Everyone all right?
Seija: Yeah, I think so.
Reimu: Sandra, years from now, when you talk about this, and you will, ple-e-ease, be kind!
Salesman: [appears on monitor] Oh, there we are... [zaps off again]
Flandre: [appears on monitor] All hail Flandre!
Reimu: All right! That's it! I've had it! Mima! Stop the tape!
Flandre: Waaaahhh! You hurt Flandre's feelings!
Reimu: This isn't a talk show, it's a freak show! Get out! Get out, all of you! The show's over! Out with you!
Audience: [booing and grumbling]
Seija: Good luck getting an award for this one, Reimu!
Reimu: I don't care! I don't need any awards! I don't need any of you! I'm Reimu Hakurei, the rest of you are all cogs, extras, faces in the crowd, 9-to-5 nobodies! You're all cannon fodder, you hear? You're the guys in red shirts on "Star Trek". Get out! [sound of everyone leaving the studio] Well, I sure blew it. I'll never get any awards after this fiasco! Never never never! It's so unfair! I feel like such a jerk! [pause] Why, it sure is creepy in here, with no one around. [pause] Hey! If I'm all alone here... then who's behind the camera?
Meimu: Hello there... Reimu! [evil laugh]
Reimu: [gasps]
[Credits roll]
Seija: She's alright!
Mima: She is alright!